Choose means to pick out or select from a number of alternatives. Accept, call for, commit oneself, crave, decide on, desire, determine, discriminate between, embrace, favour, judge, love, make up one's mind, opt for, prefer, want, will, wish for...
Someone once said to me, "If you have time to make a choice, take time. Then make a choice". Hmmm, I couldn't agree more. And so, time is what I'm hoping will help make this decision clearer. My choice of acknowledging that conditions have been entirely wrong for my husband and I to begin a family, has lead to a kind of crisis situation for him. It seems to have shaken him in to being able to discuss the topic openly with me. We had a 2 hour dialogue yesterday that seemed open and honest.
I was able to finally realise the real reason why I had always burst into uncontrollable tears (in the last few months) each time he presented a negative comment about us becoming parents. Since I made the choice to leave home on 12th February, and probably from starting to prepare myself for a life without him, I haven't shed any tears about us not becoming parents together. I've been able to analyse things more, and discovered that the reason he was able to upset me so easily was because each negative (fearful) comment took me emotionally straight back to several situations around the time of our first pregnancy last year where he completely shut down. He couldn't get past his own fears that were triggered by that pregnancy, and therefore not only became emotionally unavailable, he also put his head in the sand about how I was coping. He wasn't there when I had that ultrasound during which I had to listen to the words "I'm very sorry, but it looks like you are about to lose your baby". My poor friend had to accompany me to that appointment, and was in tears herself when she heard those words and held my hand. My husband should have been there, but couldn't deal with it. It was as though the pregnancy was my problem, not OURS. He now can see how upsetting that was for me, and is profusely apologetic.
Anyway, The above revelation came up when he told me that he felt he couldn't talk to me about upcoming baby plans because I would always cry. At least there are no tears now. I made the choice to walk away, and potentially accept that in doing so, I may not be able to have a child of my own for another 2 - 5 years (depending on when / if / how I can find someone worth sharing this experience with). It is saddening to think of finding someone else, but I am proud of myself for acknowledging that 'nothing felt right' about my husband and I starting a family.
I now make the choice to give us the chance to try to communicate better. Almost 8 years ago, we did say some wedding vows to each other.... and we even renewed those vows again last year. If I just stormed out without giving this relationship the chance to place all the facts on the table, then I would probably always regret it.
![]() |
22nd Feb 2012 Is that really me?? Erk ugly! Song of the day: Flying solo |
![]() |
23rd Feb 2012 So sleepy & brain-slow Song of the day: Choose life |
I'm feeling a bit happier today, despite my body starting to pack it in from all the sleeplessness this month. I have some good friends who have really stepped up to the plate and offered support. Even my in-laws have been amazing during this upsetting time! I spoke to them for about an hour yesterday, and love them dearly for being so impartial. Thanks to my blog-followers too, for putting up with this drama on my blog. I've considered changing the URL, since the IVF thing seems like an old dream right now.... but if you'll forgive me, I will continue to blog as this unfolds. I choose not to rush into despair or hope too soon!
I am glad you have made some decisions. This is such an awful trying time that is unfortunately not that unfamiliar in our ALI world. I think it is smart to take the time out to make the right choices. You have never stopped loving him and have made that clear. It is ok whether you are trying or not you have our support xx
ReplyDeleteYou have really sat down and put alot of thought into this. Good for you. It sounds like you are working through this each day.
ReplyDelete