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I've spent the past 2 nights staying with my friend, and her boyfriend who have generously allowed me to make use of their sofa-bed. This couple are just amazing, they've both provided me with so much 'food for thought' to help me consider all my options with this HUGE life decision (and it's been awesome to get a male perspective). On Tuesday night, the three of us sat up until about 2:30am talking, and again last night until about 1am!

Choose means to pick out or select from a number of alternatives. Accept, call for, commit oneself, crave, decide on, desire, determine, discriminate between, embrace, favour, judge, love, make up one's mind, opt for, prefer, want, will, wish for...

Someone once said to me, "If you have time to make a choice, take time. Then make a choice". Hmmm, I couldn't agree more.  And so, time is what I'm hoping will help make this decision clearer. My choice of acknowledging that conditions have been entirely wrong for my husband and I to begin a family, has lead to a kind of crisis situation for him. It seems to have shaken him in to being able to discuss the topic openly with me. We had a 2 hour dialogue yesterday that seemed open and honest.

I was able to finally realise the real reason why I had always burst into uncontrollable tears (in the last few months) each time he presented a negative comment about us becoming parents. Since I made the choice to leave home on 12th February, and probably from starting to prepare myself for a life without him, I haven't shed any tears about us not becoming parents together. I've been able to analyse things more, and discovered that the reason he was able to upset me so easily was because each negative (fearful) comment took me emotionally straight back to several situations around the time of our first pregnancy last year where he completely shut down. He couldn't get past his own fears that were triggered by that pregnancy, and therefore not only became emotionally unavailable, he also put his head in the sand about how I was coping. He wasn't there when I had that ultrasound during which I had to listen to the words "I'm very sorry, but it looks like you are about to lose your baby". My poor friend had to accompany me to that appointment, and was in tears herself when she heard those words and held my hand. My husband should have been there, but couldn't deal with it. It was as though the pregnancy was my problem, not OURS. He now can see how upsetting that was for me, and is profusely apologetic.

Anyway, The above revelation came up when he told me that he felt he couldn't talk to me about upcoming baby plans because I would always cry. At least there are no tears now. I made the choice to walk away, and potentially accept that in doing so, I may not be able to have a child of my own for another 2 - 5 years (depending on when / if / how I can find someone worth sharing this experience with). It is saddening to think of finding someone else, but I am proud of myself for acknowledging that 'nothing felt right' about my husband and I starting a family.

22nd Feb 2012 Is that really me?? Erk ugly! Song of the day: Flying solo

And so, in this crisis time, he describes where he thinks his fears are coming from. He acknowledges that some of his fears are unfounded. We can talk rationally about them. I am able to describe some more positive situations that he has not been able to consider. He has started reading the book I bought him last September on IVF - It's called 'How to make love to a plastic cup' and is written by a man, for men, to help make sense of this very female dominated area. I hear him telling me he thinks we can fix everything and be better than we ever have before. I tell him that this dialogue has been an important step, but it hasn't solved anything yet. I haven't been able to find my answers yet. 

I'm choosing to remain on the path that I am on, away from home. I've told him that we can meet somewhere for coffee, or he can call me up and talk to me about how he's feeling anytime, but this separation will enable us both to make a more active part in fixing ourselves individually. Time alone will help us choose clearly and wisely, with no distraction or influence. 

23rd Feb 2012 So sleepy & brain-slow Song of the day: Choose life

Whatever choice we make. We will need to OWN IT. I want to feel from my head to my toes that I am choosing the future I want. He needs to feel that he is actively taking charge of his own future too. I guess, the message that keeps ringing in my ears is that actions speak louder than words, and 'you can't change what you don't acknowledge'.

I'm feeling a bit happier today, despite my body starting to pack it in from all the sleeplessness this month. I have some good friends who have really stepped up to the plate and offered support. Even my in-laws have been amazing during this upsetting time! I spoke to them for about an hour yesterday, and love them dearly for being so impartial. Thanks to my blog-followers too, for putting up with this drama on my blog. I've considered changing the URL, since the IVF thing seems like an old dream right now.... but if you'll forgive me, I will continue to blog as this unfolds. I choose not to rush into despair or hope too soon!