6 comments
  1. Ask him to please, just try. Even if he is not diagnosed with depression, a therapist can help! You both are under so much stress, of course you're showing signs of depression. That's normal! Tell him that a therapist is a *trained* stranger, and that they may be able to give him specific methods of dealing with all of the things going on in his life.

    I saw one while in grad school, and it helped me realize that I wasn't a horrible, lazy, unmotivated person - but that I profoundly did not want to follow the career path I had chosen. My grandfather's girlfriend of 40 years saw one while he was dying of lung cancer, and it helped her be in the place she needed to be to both support him during his last months, and cope with his passing.

    I see it as a sign of strength to actively find ways of being a healthier person. Tell him that his happiness and health are so important to you, and you want him to value himself as much as you value him.

    It took me months to schedule an appointment with a therapist, and was only at BG's encouragement that I went. Later, I only regretted not going sooner.

    Tell him that you're not asking him to start a lifetime of therapy, that it can be a short-term measure to help him through this difficult time.

    My one caveat is that it's important to find someone that is a good fit. I had a very positive experience with my therapist, but when BG went to the same clinic and saw a different therapist, she was not as helpful for him.

    Also, it's a bit huge, but I found the book "A Noonday Demon" to be helpful. You can read the first chapter here: http://www.noondaydemon.com/Chapter1.pdf.

    Sorry for the marathon comment. I hope it's helpful.

    Also, you look fabulous in that photo above! I'm glad you had a great girls night out :)

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  2. I don't know if this may help or not but I realized that my husband always tries to be the stronger person in the marriage and never lets me see him waver. Your husband may be trying to be strong for you because he sees how much stress you are going through with IVF and feeling down about not conceiving. I was the same way. If your husband goes into therapy that may be showing weakness in his eyes and he has to be strong for you. DHs are our rock. I can only imagine how stressful it is to be depressed but still have to be the strong one. My husband never told me he was apprehensive about doing foster care until later because he knew I would change my mind for him so he didn't tell me. He knew being a mom was all I ever wanted and he coudln't take that away. You are right he needs to see a therapist but that is so hard for men to do. Maybe tell him you will be the strong one temporarily so he can get support. Not easy but just a thought. I hope this was helpful and sending hugs your way:)

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  3. Perhaps he'll do couples counseling instead of individual therapy? That way, it might not feel as intense for him if he isn't really into therapy. And you'll still get to talk about things thT are worrying you, including his mental health. If you haven't done therapy, please remember that finding the right therapist is reaaaaally important. If you end up going to one and you both don't click with that person, find someone else and don't feel embarassed about doing so.

    Hubby and I did couples counseling a while back. It was phenomenally helpful. And I've done individual counseling which was great, too.

    Good luck.

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  4. Maybe you can get him to just try, like sass said. Get him to commit to going to just one appointment/consultation - just to see what it's like? I can really understand his side of things because I've been there. I've been in a job I hated, and dealing with the stress of IVF, spending our savings, dealing with aging parents that are far away, having a low libido, feeling completely and utterly trapped and out of control of my own life...it's a really tough place to be in. It took me a while to come around to the realization that I needed to make changes, and get help. It's so easy to feel stuck and helpless when you're surrounded by so much stress and so many things that make you unhappy. I would say try to encourage him to get help and/or make changes, but try not to pressure him too much. He's feeling enough pressure as it is. Try to explain that going to a therapist isn't just talking to a stranger - they're a trained professional that can provide tools and coping methods. They're a neutral third party that has no emotional investment in your situation and can therefore see things that you are unable to and can really help you clear things up and prioritize and modify your perspective and help you think of other options that you didn't think of as far as your job is concerned. I only go to mine every week and a half to two weeks or so, but she has really changed my perspective on my situation and encouraged me to make the changes I needed to to be a lot happier with my current situation.

    Are there any support groups in your area? Maybe he'd feel better doing something like that? Like a group for people with terminally ill family members, or infertility support?

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  5. With all that your husband is dealing with, it's not at all surprising that he's depressed. Given what he has to deal with in his job, I'd also be worried about him developing PTSD. I'm surprised that his workplace doesn't offer more help for its employees to cope with the trauma they see on a daily basis.

    I'm sorry that he's not open to therapy and that he views it as "weak." I wish there were some way to make him see that it's actually a sign of great strength to admit that you need help and to ask for it. Unfortunately, my husband is the same. He's a US military veteran who served in Iraq. He has PTSD, which has caused him to have severe, sometimes debilitating insomnia. Certain sights or smells will trigger memories he has of the war and it's very hard for him to deal with. He's prone to depression as well. He did get help several years ago at a psychiatric facility, but he's very much against going on antidepressants and he doesn't seem interested in talking to a therapist these days. He feels it's pointless. Most of the time he doesn't talk about his feelings and I feel that it's a huge victory for him just to admit to me that he's depressed. So I think it's a very hopeful sign that your husband finally opened up to you about what he's feeling. That's a huge first step. Even if he's not yet ready for therapy, if you can keep him talking to you, I think it will help him, at least a little.

    I think the others who have commented have given great advice and I don't really have much to add to that. I've been through depression, too, and I know that getting help had to be my decision. No one could make me go and being pressured to get help made me feel worse about myself. You could see if he's willing to go to couples therapy with you. That might be the least threatening option for him. But I wouldn't push it. I would just suggest that you make sure he knows that you're his safe place in this world and that he can always come to you with his problems.

    Good luck, hon. Please keep us updated.

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  6. Infertility is a HUGE stresser on a marriage. It sucks. I know that through my journey (many years of infertility - 14 miscarriages - I have 4 wonderful boys!) ... my husband would feel like all I wanted him for was his sperm. Which wasn't the case. But it's how they feel.

    Also, my husband has severe depression ... it's hard. If they aren't willing to seek out the help of a psychologist or a doctor, then all you can do is try to convince him to do one or the other.

    {{HUGS}}

    Perusing your blog via ICLW (#86)

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