So let me explain the title of today's post. I'm disillusioned for a few reasons:
- My cycles. Perhaps you'll notice from my cycle-ticker on the top left of my blog... CD34. Yeah, my body continues to confuse me. This cycle is the first time I've used OPK's on top of my usual BBT tracking, and from what I can guess I am due to begin a new cycle on Sat or Sun. That'll be a 38 day cycle. I don't think this is normal. My BBT is all over the place, and I've been measuring this daily for 6 months. So I decided to bring in the OPKs this cycle to help me confirm when ovulation occurs. It turns out that my guesstimating from monitoring my CM has always been spot-on, and I can always count 14 days after the last day I see EWCM to know when my period is due. I suppose this is a good thing, as I do ovulate... but what I find most disillusioning is that my cycles are so long. I keep thinking that there's something more to this, and Mrs Green Grass from Baby-Making Merry-Go-Round suggested on one of my other posts that caffeine can have an affect on ovulation so I must look further into this...
- Money. The cost of IVF annoys me. On the weekend my in-laws were asking me about IVF and when we were going to begin, and I explained that we didn't have enough money yet but hopefully we will by July. My FIL immediately offered to transfer the extra cash to us so we can start ASAP, and my immediate reaction was "no don't be silly, we're good savers". We are both very proud about being able to look after ourselves and not get financial help from anyone, as my husband and I both have jobs and are good at saving money. But this little voice in the back of my head is now asking why did I 'poo-poo' this offer? I would LOVE to start IVF as soon as possible because I'm scared about how difficult it might be for us to become successful. I was hoping that I would have only one more cycle before we begin treatment, but it may take us even longer to save. Chop wants to save more than we need for treatment 'just in case' something unforeseen goes wrong with one of our two investment properties, and we need to quickly find some money to replace something major (like a hot water system). Logical? yes; Sensible? yes; Over-cautious? Yes!! I keep reminding him that there's 2-3 weeks between our first IVF instalment, and our full-payment. Within this time we both get another pay, and if something goes wrong with our property, then we could probably borrow off his parents (if necessary), and pay back within a few weeks. I'm just wanting to get the show on the road based on my cycles, and he's probably not realising that my cycles are so long.
- Legislation. I'm still fuming about our Police Record Checks. Mine was returned 3 weeks ago, and we are still waiting for Chop's to arrive. Apparently these can take up to 4 months to be done, and all we can do is sit and wait. In Victoria, we are not allowed to begin IVF until we've had this ridiculous invasion of privacy done. Anyone can get knocked-up by accident and give birth to a baby they may not want, or are unable to look after. Yet couple's in Victoria who have thought enough about becoming a parent that they're willing to pay money for IVF and the chance of having their own biological child, then are asked to pay more money for the privilege of searching their past for any prior convictions. Can someone please tell me why a police record check is relevant in receiving medical treatment?
- My motivation. I've realised that all of this 'treading water' whilst waiting for us to begin IVF has left me less than motivated about my normal exercise regime. I used to be so much more active, but since I've stopped going to pole-dancing classes and yoga classes (to save money) I have kind of lacked motivation to keep moving. While I haven't put on any weight on the scales, the obvious effect is that my muscle-tone is disappearing, my waistline has expanded as well as my ass and thighs! Acknowledging this negative change in my body is the first step for me to improve things, so..... My crusade against the wobble begins! I plan to do a minimum of 30 minutes of measurable cardio per day for at least the next 30 days (to start with). And by measurable, I'm going to use my RunKeeper.com App to track the distance and time (in walking, running or cycling). On top of this, each week I plan to do about 2 hours of pole practice, 2 hours of yoga/stretching, as well as some weight training. I've realised I need to be more disciplined with my exercise regime because I've trended towards sitting on the lounge and blogging or knitting instead of keeping active. The food we eat is always super-healthy, so my wobble is caused by pure laziness. The wobble stops here!
- Cancer. I've left this one til last on my list because my feelings on this change so much throughout the day. My MIL begins her cancer treatment next week on what she knows is terminal lung cancer. She has two separate treatments that she needs to do: chemotherapy for her primary cancer on both her lungs, and the other is radiation on her secondary cancer on her brain. I'm so disillusioned about this type of cancer treatment, as I've watched my Mum, my Aunty, my Uncle, and my boss all go through chemotherapy and radiation; and all this seemed to do was make them feel more unwell until they all died. Did it extend their life at all? I honestly don't think so. What I do know is that their final months, weeks, days were a blur of medications and injections; with little quality of life. After spending the past 4 days with my MIL and seeing her in good spirits and carrying on as normal; I'm really scared that she will begin to go downhill as soon as they start these treatments next week. I understand that she feels she should try, just as I feel I want to try to fight our infertility, so all I can really do is be supportive and think positive.
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| 8th May 2012 Weary after illness & travel Song of Day: Warren Zevon "Keep Me In Your Heart" |
Wowzers. So this blog-post has turned out to be a bit of a bitch n moan! I'll have to catch up on the week that was and learn some more patience from you other bloggers. Today has clearly been a massive vent in my world, which perhaps can also be blamed on PMS? Ha! Here's hoping. This pic of me today shows the aftermath of my prolonged cold. Hopefully those tired eyes can be replaced with newfound energy again in the coming days. I need to help Hubby on his job-search to change his outlook on life; and that takes a LOT of energy!!!
Glad you are back! :-)
ReplyDeleteI agree, those police checks are ridiculous. I always marvel at the random idiots who have a baby by accident or otherwise no issues when the blogs I read have some awesome couples. :(
I am still shaking my heads when I read that you have to go through a background check before ivf? IS there a specific reason they give you for this? Excuse my language but that is pure bullshit. I am glad you MIL is in good spirits as of today. I cant imagine how hard treatment will be on her, but I am so glad she has a loving family to support her throughout this process.
ReplyDeleteThat background check is stupid and wrong! I say, take the money from your FIL and just pay him back later so you can start sooner! p.s. I just got ANOTHER bill from my IVF cycle in February -- anesthesia costs almost $1,000 USD before insurance. Keep that in mind!
ReplyDeleteHmmmm. Your temperatures really are wacky, aren't they? Stupid question, but are you able to take them at the same time every day? Are you a mouth breather? (I would guess that you were during your cold, so that could definitely impact your temps.) You could always try taking your temp vaginally and see if you get a more consistent pattern with that, but I realize it's not for everyone! (I'm just not that brave.)
ReplyDeleteI can't believe they make you go through a criminal record check for IVF. That's insane. Stupid government. >:(
You have so many things to juggle right now! I hope things start calming down soon, and in the meantime don't forget to take some time for yourself. It's really hard when life throws a lot of things our way that we can't control. **Thinking of you**
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry that's there's so much crap going on. When it comes to the money, do what's right for you! I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it will work on the duration try, whenever that is! And I still can't believe the stupid police check. Stupid.
ReplyDeleteI feel the same way about background checks here in order to adopt, though I understand why they are necessary. Background checks for IVF though? is crazy!
ReplyDeleteYou probably know this if you've been charting awhile but your last cycle was likely annovulatory.
Why can't our bodies just cooperate? :)