16 comments
  1. You are right. You have to change how you think about creating your own destiny, when some very important things in your life are out of your control. This, for me, was one of the hardest things about IF.

    I hope that you can take a sick day if you need it. Give yourself time to grieve this cycle. Then, when you're ready, have your husband help you get out of bed. For me, there comes a point when dragging myself out of bed is the first step to feeling better...but only after I've had a chance to really cry. **hugs**

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yep, that realisation today was hard. I thought that choosing IVF was part of choosing my own destiny... but then the outcome became something I would never choose. But you, Sass are living proof that IVF does work. And that gives me hope again. x

      Delete
  2. I agree with Sass, take time to feel the way you are feeling. Don't push yourself. Huge hugs coming your way my love.

    ReplyDelete
  3. I think you are providing me with free counselling. You do seem so positive and you remind me to kick my sorry-sad arse into getting on with it.
    You are great at helping others (well at least me).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm hoping that by writing about this in my blog, it's making me one step closer to being accountable for the 'brave face' I'm trying to conjure. If it helps you, I'm glad.

      Delete
  4. I am so impressed with how you are handling all of this! You are more than entitled to a some serious low points with what you've been through, but you are picking yourself up so quickly and finding ways to look on the bright side. I'm glad Chop reminded you of all the good things in your life. It's easy to sometimes forget that life doesn't completely and utterly revolve around IF, so sometimes we need a good reminder! :)

    ReplyDelete
  5. Look at you. You pushed through the feelings and made yourself take a run that helped. You are going to overcome this infertility crap, I just know it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. "One day at a time." That's how I've had to live my life since IF. I've always been able to go and get what I wanted by working hard, until I had to deal with IF. And even through this pregnancy I've had to take it one day at a time or else I'll drive myself crazy. I think I'll have to do this every day for the rest of my life. Which might not be a bad thing -- truly being in the moment and appreciating what you can accomplish in a single day.

    ReplyDelete
  7. You have a wonderful outlook on life and I know that in the end you'll be fine. But I hope you won't be too hard on yourself for grieving and wondering "why me?" It's perfectly normal to feel that way and you're entitled to those feelings.

    *hugs*

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hey Ali - I stumbled across your blog while goggling 4dp5dt..... You are about a week ahead of me on this "adventure." I have my Beta on Thursday and am terrified. I am so afraid of the emotional pain I"ll feel if it fails as well as being in limbo while we wait to cycle agin. I find limbo to be one of, if not THe worst part of IF.
    You're story reminds me so much of me, my father in law passed away in his sleep the same night we got the diagnosis of male factor infertility. I know first hand the pain of oh so many tests on a marriage. I only hope if this cycle doesn't work I can handle it as graciously and strongly as you have. I think you're doing great. Good luck to you moving forward and remember BETTER DAYS AHEAD!

    ReplyDelete
  9. Hello from ICLW! Love the picture of the cow, I used to have a cow collection.

    I am currently trying to make some positive steps forward and stop just going through the motions. Better days ahead for us all.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Here from ICLW.

    I am s sorry for your losses. My heart goes out to you. I've had a similar inner debate many a morning. You are not alone. Hoping that better days are ahead for you!

    ReplyDelete
  11. I'm so sorry for all the losses and other difficult things you have encountered over the last 13 months. I often feel the same way you wrote about today, and sometimes when I read others' quotes about how only YOU have the power to change things, I think what you wrote as well, "I can't control when this IF journey ends, no matter how many times I do IVF or anything else. But you are so right about one day at a time and how not every day feels as bad and there are definitely good days inbetween. So thank you for that!

    ICLW #27

    ReplyDelete
  12. I am amazed at how positive you have been throughout this whole process. It has given me strength reading your words. At the same time, you need to give yourself a little time to be sad and grieve and then when your ready, get back on the horse and continue to pursue your dream of a baby...but only when your ready...thinking of you and hope you're ok...

    ReplyDelete
  13. Ali -- you are amazing! Seriously, I remember 4 days after my miscarriage crying and crying because I had to go back to work. And there wasn't a chance in he** I did anything close to running, or even really walking or any exercise for that matter. Just keep thinking of those two frosties you have, take good care of yourself and allow yourself to grieve as you need to. Thinking of you often.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I totally get everything you are feeling right now. It took me about a month to fully let go of the grief of my failed cycle/early miscarriage because even after taking the time to cry and grieve, I still had periods where I felt extremely angry. It took me a lot of thinking, walking, sleep, and doing nice things for myself to get me through the grief and anger. These were all things I did during the two months between our failed IVF and my FET. Grief is a process that you have to go through and it is a journey in itself. But I can promise you from the bottom of my heart that you WILL come out a stronger person as a result and your relationship with Chop will be immensely stronger too. Give yourself time and know that you will have down days and up days - its all part of the journey. You will find your hope again, I promise. Well done for being so strong. Sending lots of hugs! x

    ReplyDelete