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I nearly quit my job today. I hung up on someone I've worked with for 7 years (as she was screaming at me about something she didn't have all the facts on). I packed up my stuff, burst into tears, and walked out of the office and drove home. It was nearly finishing time anyway, but I f*%#ing snapped! Clearly my emotions are running at overdrive right now and I didn't handle that phone call in my usual calm manner. I suppose I'll have to try and pick up the pieces again tomorrow. Grrrrr.

So let me elaborate on how this 2ww is messing with my head. I cried myself to sleep last night, because as I closed my eyes, I had a memory of my mother (who died 9.5 years ago). I remembered how she took me to the Doctor when I was 17 years old to put me on birth control. She said she thought it was best since I only got my period every 8 months, and it would help me be regular. But the adult me now understands that she probably did that because she was worried I would become sexually active with my boyfriend. This memory made me cry because my Mum never coped very well with open discussions about 'stuff', and it would've taken her a lot of courage to take me to the Doctor. I really wish I could have Mum to talk to now about all this IVF crap. It scares me how much of a roller coaster of emotions it has taken me on, and I think my Mum would be easy to talk to about 'stuff' now that I'm an adult and trying to make my own baby.

Anyway, when I got out of bed this morning I looked terrible. After I showered, got dressed for work and put my make-up on (i.e. did the best with what I've got), I still looked bad. Even Chop tentatively mentioned how puffy my face was today, as well as the bags under my eyes. My clothes were so tight that I looked about 3.5 months pregnant. My belly has become so incredibly bloated, and I felt very short of breath for most of the day. Everything was an effort, including the hourly bathroom trips. I just felt so friggin' uncomfortable and bloated! I've had a few little cramps coming back today (after a couple of days of nothing); I've also been putting up with a severe headache and a niggling back-ache on my whole spine. I haven't taken any pain relief because there's enough drugs in my body already right now, I'd rather just complain!! I had a nap after work to try and calm down and get rid of my aches, but guess what? it didn't help. 

I also caught up with a relative who was visiting Melbourne for a couple of days, and she told me a bit about her IVF experience several years ago. She did 1 fresh IVF and had 2 frozen embryos from that. Her first IVF failed, then she managed to get pregnant on her own but miscarried at 9 weeks, then she attempted an FET, which also failed. Her and her husband couldn't gather up the courage to try again, so they kept their 2nd embryo on ice for five years until they decided that it could be destroyed. She told me today that she thinks IVF killed some part of her that she can never get back. I completely understand where that comment comes from.

I'll be glad when today is over and I can crawl back into bed.... Today I think it's meant to be 12DPO (days past ovulation), but more importantly it's now only 4 days until my pregnancy blood test. I will try and get through the next few days and keep my job, my friends and my husband! It seems no one is safe from me right now :-(




Full Summary of this ICSI/FET Cycle can be found at above Tab: FET#1: Sept/Oct '12

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