The past few weeks, as mother's day approaches I find myself drifting off in thought about how far I've come and how amazing this role is. Having made it through 10 months of being a Mum, life has settled into a routine where I feel like I kind of know what I'm doing now. Every day is fun, yes even on those horrible teething days because I can still make Eddie smile even when he's in pain. The cuddles, sloppy open mouth kisses on the cheek, squeals of delight when he sees me, and watching him discover a new skill makes my heart melt every.single.day.
I've reflected on how much I miss my own Mum, and my mother in law. Chop and I often say that we wish we could ask our Mums' questions about our behaviour or development when we were babies ourselves. It's sad that all those moments from our own childhood can't be relived in stories; and remain in our memories to tell our own son when he's older. There's so much that our Mums' would've loved to hear about as Eddie is getting bigger. Stories, that only parents or grandparents really care about (like how Eddie loves to hum while he's enjoying meals; or how he can now reach up and grab things off the dining table because he's getting so tall). Silly little moments like that are so special to us, but most people wouldn't care too much about those details.
I've realised how being a Mum means that my needs often seem to be pushed aside in order to make sure that my baby is being cared for. The sacrifices sometimes frustrate me, but in the grand scheme of things, they're so minor. I never seem to get time to clean the shower anymore, as it shares a wall with Eddie's bedroom and it's quite noisy to try to clean it while he sleeps (and I play with him while he's awake). And here is my biggest issue: I am completely unable to have any kind of exercise routine because Chop is a shift worker, and he never has any set days/times so it means that I may only get to exercise once or twice a week (when I used to do it 5-7 days a week). I used to be able to attend my pole dancing classes every week and go running every morning before work - basically be able to leave whenever I wanted for however long I wanted. Now, I first have to make sure Chop will be home before I even contemplate taking 20 mins for a run. It seems so petty when I write it here, because it's only a small period of time that this will be an issue, but this lack of being able to have my own exercise routine has actually been one of the most frustrating parts of motherhood. If Chop had a regular job, I'd be able to have a regular routine... but this is not possible. On the upside, I do take whatever I can get! I get active any time I possibly can. In this respect, I feel like I'm appreciating time so much more than before motherhood. I don't waste a minute anymore!
I thought I was special when I was pregnant; I enjoyed the attention that my growing belly got me. After birth, I assumed that I would just go back to being a nobody, but that hasn't happened. I feel more special now that I'm a Mum. I feel like I've joined some group, and have become accepted and feel loved because of it. It's so strange! Conversations with strangers in shops flow easily now. It can be about random stuff, or about Eddie or something that has just happened. Maybe I'm just more open to chatting, than I used to be. I've found it amazing how women will just launch into conversations with me about being a mother, and things that they had to put up with when their kids were small. I love these conversations as I always get the feeling that I must be doing something right, or I pick up tips to try. It's also a great reminder not to ever over-think things, or over-complicate things. People have been having babies forever, and many didn't have it as good as we expect of our lives now, so it's important to put things into perspective and not get stressed!
So this Mother's Day I will buy myself some flowers, as I always do in tribute to my mum (who died 11 years ago). I will give my boy more kisses and cuddles than he will like, and be so thankful that I'm lucky enough to experience the joy that is motherhood. I feel so very lucky to have come this far, considering that there was a time not so long ago that Chop and I almost broke up over the question of starting a family. I refuse to dwell on the past, other than to respect how we got here now. And here now is a pretty special place to be.
Can you get a jogging stroller and take Eddie running with you? I do that with the twins when there is no one around to keep an eye on them :)
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful post. I hope you had a wonderful day. xx
ReplyDeleteI just stumbled on your story and you have no idea how much hope it give me to see that you made it!! Your baby is beautiful!! Sending lots of love and light from the United States:)
ReplyDeleteLove to see such a beautiful baby.
ReplyDeletevery interesting..and how sweet of your baby, i could'nt stop seeing.
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